Brokeness...

What does it mean to be broken, poor in spirit, humble? For me personally, it means taking a journey in my head, remembering the place and the time in my life when I had exhausted my own resources, my own intellect, reason, and capacity to manage my own life, my thoughts, my feelings and my actions.  Unfortunately, there have been many times in my life where I have figuratively waived the white flag of surrender, turning over my will to others, to God, for help...realizing that my own self-sufficiency had failed and that I could not do it on my own.  Sometimes, in my own stubborness and pride, as soon as the pain faded away, I wrestled back some semblance of what I perceived as self-dignity, and took control of the wheel, directing the show, and doing my best to "manage well."  When things did not work out as I planned, I was quick to point my finger, placing blame on someone else, some external event or force that derailed my well laid plans for success and happiness.  And yes, I am not proud to say, that once again, I would turn back to my own self-sufficiency over and over again, repeating this same pattern, until I became completely broke, powerless, undeniably convinced that left to my own devices, I am nothing! Oh God, please let me never forget this!  Help me please remember that my own will for my life, never works out.  Reveal your plans for me God! Remind me of my brokeness on a daily basis!  Give me a contrite heart! But let me also, walk quietly...listening...for there are times, when I disgrace you.  Understanding the paradox that there is strength in weakness, I take your word, and twist it, using my humbleness as a some sort of pretense, for honor.  Forgive me Lord, for even in my brokeness, my ego flexes.  I build my self up as the best of the worst! I use my pain for gain.  Oh God, turn me inside out!  Hear my cries~Do I need to be knocked down again?  Help me lay to rest these things that I despise in myself.  Let your Love replace the hurt, the anger, the shame that lie behind my false righteousness!  Make me knew again Lord...know my heart...climb inside Lord, take the wheel, please?  Hear my words, bring me peace, I ache, I long, I yurn for you, for salvation, peace, love, redemption.  I am at your Cross this morning Lord, asking for your help, Come.